Thursday March 10th 2011

Yesterday was a long day of potty training we will see how today goes. The husband informed me last night he needed to get up at 3am because he has to work in Little Rock...*sigh* okay, I just got my kiddo off to school and Kailyn is still in bed. I love the mornings i can get up and have a cup of coffee in silence before all the craziness hits (2 year old events) by the end of the day i'm locking myself in the bathroom..lol but that's the life of a stay at home mommy. I really wouldn't trade it for the world but i am seriously considering going back to work. I need to have ANY type of a life outside these walls. I went to a scentsy convention Feb 22 and was gone all night boy did i have some serious with drawls.. I know nothing when it comes to this blogging but i'm going to try and i must warn you i am not the greatest at keeping up with this kinda (<-- funny spell check didn't correct that sad that most slang has become a part of vocabulary) stuff. I would always buy a diary or journal and say yeah i'm going to do that and i would forget all about it before the end of the week hit. So this week my sister's and i are supposed to find out when we can go pick my father's ashes up. It's still so weird i am still expecting his call and it hasn't quiet hit me yet that he is gone. Since his passing i have developed a fear and that's being alone. We didn't have the best relationship with my dad as a small child. I was a small child when my parents divorced so i don't have many memories of them as a couple and us as a family. But i have a step father DAD (Johnnie) has been the most wonderful person in the world and i can't imagine what life would be like without him as i had said before i didn't have much of a relationship with my real father so god sent a great one (Johnnie) to fill that void. Over the years and the birth of my 2 daughters i developed a relationship with my real father and i forgave him for the past and i was able to have a type of compassion for him, he didn't have a great life after my mother moved with me and my 2 sisters and in the last years of his life you could see that it had taken a toll on him, he gain a lot of weight and he started to age fast his health had deteriorate he had to go and live in nursing homes and had done well so that thought he would be fine in a assist living facility and that's where he was for the remainder of his life. We talked on a regular basis and went to visit when we could. But looking back now i should have visit more i should have called more, I had went a couple of days at a time without talking to him so i didn't think a thing of it. I talked to him about 4 days before. Well my aunt had tried to call him and she didn't get any answer so she got worried and she called the police and they to had tried to call and they got no answer and so they sent someone over and they had a skeleton key card (one that opens all the doors) went inside and found him in bed. They phoned my aunt and she went over cause they needed someone to identify him, they say he passed in his sleep and that he appeared to have been gone at least 18 hours or so. to most people they would find comfort in the fact he passed in his sleep and i don't. yeah i'm glad that's how he went BUT i'm still angry that he's gone. I know it will take time. He was a heavier man and so rigor mortis had set in quicker so we had to get everything (arrangements) done asap because of that. A word of advice if you have a parent that wasn't always there for you but you still care about them LET THEM KNOW..